I Hate Time Travelers Page 2

  “That won't end well." Luke finally responded.

  “How about drinks here?"

  Luke considered it for a moment, until he remembered that every time they'd done that – and in fact every time traveller gathering they'd been to – had resulted in people mostly hanging out with their past and future selves whilst he felt out of place, occasionally fielding the generic questions about how and why he wasn't able to travel. Plus, those gatherings often ended with everyone making out with themselves.

  * * * *

  Something strange had happened in the weeks and months following T-day, and now it was socially acceptable to partake of any number of sexual deviations, from bondage to watersports, orgies to dogging – as if every deep seated and secret urge for sexual experimentation was washed away because it could be done with oneself as a partner, rather than broaching the subject with a stranger.

  * * * *

  “So… Drinks here…?" asked Kyle.

  “Hell no. I'm still having flashbacks from walking in on you sixty-nining yourself."

  “It's not gay if you suck yourself."

  “You still have a dick in your mouth..."

  “Of course I do, I give a great blow job!"

  “I'm sure you do."

  “Plus, I swallow."

  “Yeah, your awesome."

  “I'm also a great kisser, and my asshole is totally shaved, so a tongue slips right in there with no annoying hairs in the way."

  “I don't need to know…" said Luke, walking away.

  “And I hug just the right amount after orgasm."

  “I'm leaving…"

  “Not too clingy, not too cold…"

  Luke's door slammed shut. Not that Kyle minded; he was too pleased with himself to care.

  4

  On weekends, the streets were full of people; couples walking romantically, families out in parks together, and so on. Luke walked past a myriad happy strangers with no thought spared for the domestic types around him. Instead, he was thinking about a newspaper he saw in the window of a corner shop, the front page displaying the latest lottery winner.

  * * * *

  'Winner' was, perhaps an exaggeration. The lottery has changed significantly since T-day. Fairly early on, there were a series of weeks in which fifty-seven million people won a jackpot of fifty-seven million. So, it was decided that everyone would take turns to win, which kept people happy; until they realised there were only 52 weeks in a year, and nobody wanted to be the guy who won in ten million years time. The jackpots gradually decreased, to the point that the few thousand who continued to play on a regular basis treated it like a retirement fund.

  * * * *

  It wasn't the lottery that Luke was thinking about. He was more intrigued about how many pork pies the obese victor was going to buy with his winnings. His mental meanderings were sidetracked by a couple pushing their baby in a stroller. Having children had changed drastically. He knew it was now common for women to get pregnant and jump to the future to live off their then-selves' earnings, while their future counterparts took a break from their squealing, shitting offspring in their past selves' jobs until the baby was born and maternity leave kicked in. The same was true for sick leave and babysitting. These were experiences far from Luke's grasp, not only for his lack of travelling ability, but for his inability to date traveller women successfully.

  He took a seat in a cafe and dwelled on his predicament. While in Kyle's presence, he could shrug it off, but deep down it was nagging at him. The few time traveller relationships he had managed to strike up in the past went south fairly quickly; mostly because the women would inevitably find reason to be angry at him for things he hadn't done yet. He cited Angela as an example. They had four great months before she turned around one day, pissed, because eight months from then he would forget their anniversary. Ironically the relationship ended because she blamed him for something he wouldn't get the chance to remember to forget. What he couldn't understand was how she could be mad at him to the point that it would stick in his mind, so that if the relationship got that far there was literally no way he'd be able to forget the anniversary. Yet she was still pissed at him for something he hadn't - and would never - do.

  The thoughts soon shut off, as he looked across the terrace of the cafe to see a beautiful, graceful blonde smiling at him, then glancing away. All the 'find your mate' books has taught him that this was a good first sign that someone is interested in you. 'Although it might also mean that they're amused by your ridiculous hat.' Luke thought to himself. His musings were interrupted.

  “Ask me out." said a voice from behind him.

  He glanced over a shoulder to see the blonde standing there, taller than she seemed in her seat, wearing different clothes. He looked down to see a wound on her leg, blood soaked into her jeans.

  “Up here…" she said, diverting his attention from her injury. “I said ask me out."

  “Go... out with me?"

  “Not me-me. The other me…"

  Luke was confused.

  “Ask me out, and don't be weird."

  He turned back to her table - the other her was gone. He craned his neck back over his shoulder but only the pixie dust outline of the woman remained, particles falling to the ground with a gentle elegance before blinking from existence one by one. He turned back to the cafe again, not entirely sure what just happened, looking at the empty table where the girl once sat before appearing behind him. His confusion was alleviated by her walking out of the restaurant and reclaiming her seat.

  He stared for a moment, watched her take a sip of coffee, then glance over the top of it towards him. She put it down and smiled. He reached for his coffee, fumbled with it, almost throwing black caffeine juice across the table, then walked over towards her. As he drew closer, her natural blonde hair seemed to have highlights of silver in the sun. Pale, porcelain features perfectly proportioned except for big bright blue/grey eyes that looked like they had been borrowed from a Disney Princess.

  “Mind if I join you?" he asked.

  “Totally."

  He stood in silence, thrown by the response. Unsure whether she meant it was 'totally fine' or 'she totally minded'.

  “I meant you can totally join me..." she said.

  He pulled out the chair opposite her and sat down, awkwardly trying to balance the coffee whilst on his descent.

  "Elle." she said, introducing herself.

  "Helen?"

  "Elle."

  "Ellen?"

  "Just Elle. E-L-L-E, pronounced 'Ella'.”

  "Right." Luke hated himself. A lot. "Luke." he finally responded.

  "Plook?" she said back, over giggles.

  They both laughed, then sat staring at each other in blissful, if not slightly awkward silence.

  “So…" she said, awaiting initiation of conversation.

  “Yeah…" he said. “Sorry, I'm under-prepared, but I think I'm meant to ask you out."

  “Meant to…"

  “You told me to." he said.

  “Did I?"

  “Not you-you. Future you."

  “Does that line usually work?" she asked.

  Luke didn't know what to say. She could see that, and decided to lighten the tone.

  “It sounds like the type of thing I'd do, I'm pretty forward like that, aren't I?"

  “Yeah, I guess."

  “You'd think you'd be the one to travel back to tell yourself, and maybe give yourself more of a hint than just 'ask her out'."

  “Oh…" said Luke, always hesitant to explain his non-travellers status. “I'm… Uh… Not a traveller…"

  Her eyes opened wide, like a child confronted with more candy, toys and plastic bags and they could eat, play with and put over their heads respectively.

  “You're not?" she said, beaming from ear to ear, her saucer-wide eyes staring into him. “I thought there were only a handful of you people!"

  “It's closer to twelve hundred." he said.

  “How do you peop
le survive? I mean, there are no stairs… And… How you manage without warning yourself about bad shit?"

  “Can you stop saying 'you people'?" he asked, with a wry smile.

  “Sorry, I'm just excited. I haven't met a normal person since T-day!"

  “'Normal' isn't much better than 'you people'." he said.

  “Oh, right. I suck at this."

  “Not at all – although I do find it strange that you told me not to be weird."

  “I was probably just trying to put you at ease." she said.

  “Well that backfired.”

  “Yet here we are..."

  “And you've made it much more awkward than I ever could." he said.

  “Thanks."

  “You're… Welcome?" he responded, not sure if he was playfully digging her too much.

  She looked at him with big Disney-princess eyes and a smile that Luke thought was like an artist's impression of how perfect lips should be drawn.

  “Your sweet." she finally said.

  “I hear that a lot. Unfortunately it's usually from my roommate while he's making out with himself and I'm either questioning my sexuality, or throwing up in a bucket, depending on what implements he has to hand, and where those hands are putting those implements…"

  “Are you saying you wouldn't suck yourself off if you could?" she asked, as forthright as any traveller Luke had ever talked to.

  “I imagine I would, but the situation hasn't really come up." he said.

  “I have trouble not fucking myself all the time, it's much easier than having a relationship, and way less slutty than the alternatives."

  “I'm not really sure what the correct response to that cascade of information is." he said.

  “I don't think there is one, but damn am I glad you interrupted me. There's only so much of my foot I can fit in my mouth." she chuckled.

  “Your mouth is pretty full…"

  “Always room for more…" she said, regretting it almost instantly.

  “You make a great first impression." he said, his smile now as wide as hers.

  “I pride myself on it."

  They sat in silence staring at one another, big eyes and big grins, like a gender-swapping mirror.

  “So…" she finally said. “You still haven't asked me out."

  “I haven't?"

  “Nope."

  “What are you up to tonight?"

  “Well, I had a date with myself booked in, but I can cancel it if you've got a better offer."

  “I've got an offer…” he said. “I can't necessarily guarantee that it's better than a self-love lez-out."

  “I'm prepared to compromise." she said.

  They returned to silence and staring, while Luke racked his brains, trying to think of a spectacular plan – or any plan – for a first date.

  5

  Luke walked into the apartment to discover two Kyles on the couch.

  “I'm not interrupting anything, am I?" he asked.

  “Not at all." said the first Kyle.

  “He looks happy, why is he so happy?" responded the second, who Luke assumed was either from the past or the present.

  “He's met a girl." said the first, confirming at least his temporal origins.

  “Really? A real life girl? That he didn't pay?" mocked the second.

  The first Kyle smirked at his past self's derision of their roommate. “And does this latest failed relationship have a name?”

  “More importantly, does your new downfall have a nice rack?" asked the second Kyle.

  “You're really helpful... Am I making a mistake?" Luke said, directing the question to future Kyle.

  “What d'you mean?"

  “Is she going to turn insane… You know… Like all the others…"

  “How would I know?" said second Kyle

  “Aren't you from the future?"

  “Yeah, like an hour from now."

  “Well you're no help at all." said Luke.

  “Well, what's she like?"

  “She's… Great." he said

  Silence fell on the room. The two Kyles not being satisfied by his answer.

  “Like, she has a great arse…?"

  "No, she's just great."

  “Well that's a stupid description." Future Kyle said, turning to past-or-present Kyle. “Hey, want a blow job?"

  “Hell yeah!"

  Luke took that as his cue to leave, and regretted his decision to look over his shoulder, catching yet another glimpse of disfigured genitalia before closing the bedroom door behind him.

  6

  Luke and Elle emerged from a dark movie theatre to be embraced by the cool night's breeze. They slowed in pace, neither of then knowing which direction they were to head next. Elle broke the post-film silence.

  “That sucked harder then a dwarf at a height restricted blow job competition."

  “Yeah, I don't think rape really has a place in a romantic comedy." he said.

  “Maybe in a Japanese romantic comedy."

  “It would make is a very different movie."

  “I think all the reading would lessen the impact."

  “Yeah, if every 'please don't' and ' help me' was subtitled, you'd totally get distracted from the brutal violation on-screen. Hey, do you drink?" he asked

  “What am I, a Mormon?"

  “I've never met a Mormon traveller." Luke said, surprised that he hadn't noticed before.

  “Me neither… I guess they all gave up…"

  * * * *

  Religion had been dealt quite a blow by T-day, given that there's nothing in the Bible, Quran or Torah about time travel, and despite preachers of every faith attempting to cite the phenomena's place hidden amidst scripture, pretty soon every explanation fell apart. Churches were turned into karaoke bars, synagogues into trampolining venues and mosques into crèches. All in all, everyone seemed much better for it.

  * * * *

  “Where you want to go?" Elle enquired.

  “My roommate works at the bar just over there." he said, indicating.

  “Have you strategically been walking us here?" He hadn't, but the accusation brought a guilty expression to his face, and no matter how hard he tried to shift it, it wouldn't budge.

  The bar was packed. Travellers loved to drink, and could drink a lot. The couple fought their way to the counter to discover three Kyles, each bearing a cocktail shaker.

  “Does he get paid three times for that?" she asked.

  “Of course. He might be a self-sucking moron, but he's not a complete idiot."

  “Hey!" said the closest Kyle, throwing his shaker into the crowd by accident.

  “I take that back." Luke whispered to Elle.

  “No talk, just drinks." she responded.

  Nearest Kyle lent over to her. “You're too good for him." he whispered theatrically “Run while you can."

  “Thanks for the warning." she spat back, sarcastically.

  “I mean it, and also…" he said, scrambling for paper and pen “Here's my number."

  She took it, while a smile grew on Kyle's face, and a devastated expression formed on Luke's. Looking at the number with coy, flirtatious eyes, she crumpled the scrap of paper into a ball, and threw it at Kyle. A shiver of relief went down Luke's spine.

  “Hard to get?! My favourite kinda girl!" he said.

  She beckoned him over. “Come here…" she tugged the neckline of his T-shirt. “Closer…" she said, seductively. “Closer…" she whispered, bringing him close enough so he could feel her breath on his ear.

  “YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!" she shouted.

  “Ow!" he squealed “I like her!"

  “You made that abundantly clear." responded Luke, enamoured with the new girl even more.

  “Still way too good for you."

  “Drinks!" she shouted, putting an arm round Luke's waist.

  Kyle began concocting drinks as instructed, attempting to show off as much as possible, and making a fool of himself in the process. Luke and Elle found themselves a table, an
d tried to converse over the music and chatter.

  “What's your favourite thing about time travel?" he asked.

  “Well…" she began, with a sly smile on her face, before being interrupted;

  “Other than fucking yourself."

  “Oh, right. Uh…" she struggled. “Well, I guess you're never lonely. When you feel down, you pop over from the future to help yourself out of the bad times."

  "The 'Pop Over From The Future' movies weren't as well received as the Back To The Future Trilogy, were they?" said Luke.

  “No, not enough rape…" she said.

  “That's pretty cool though.”

  “Yeah… What it like for you? It must be so weird being one of the few NTs…"

  “Yeah, it does suck at times. It's like everyone was invited to a party, and my Save The Date got lost in the post." He looked off to the side, half-contemplative.

  She could see it was a hardship, even though he joked about it.

  “That really brought the tone down." she said, smiling, trying to get his attention back, whilst his eyes were fixed away from her. “I always thought 'Save The Date' was a weird acronym, you know? 'Here's an STD for my wedding'!”

  His eyes returned to meet hers, the curve of a smile returning to his lips.

  “A part of me wishes I were linear again, you know?" she said.

  “Not at all." said Luke. “Can't even imagine it.”

  “Everyone's become their own best friend, their lovers, so where do we go as a species now? I think I read that birth rates have declined massively since T-day, as if… As if we're becoming so hedonistic that we're wiping ourselves out."

  “I've never thought about it. But now you're totally killing the vibe more than I was!"

  “Glad to be of service. More drinks?"

  “More drinks!" he responded.

  Kyle's off-showing was less clumsy this time, and she returned swiftly with fresh beverages; cocktails of the pinkest hue Luke had ever seen, adorned with umbrellas and sparklers and straws with little plastic cocks on the ends, that Luke discovered spunked a bit of the concoction out after every sup at their tips.