I Hate Time Travelers Page 3

  “I think this is the gayest thing I've ever drunk." he said, sucking on his cock-straw.

  “It's probably made gayer by your roommate sticking his dick in it as he made it."

  “Thanks for waiting for me to swallow before mentioning that."

  “My pleasure." she said.

  His eyes migrated over her shoulder to a man gyrating against another version of himself.

  “Do you think everyone is bisexual now? I mean, have you met anyone who doesn't suck themselves in one form or another?"

  “I think deep down we always were. In the past we masturbated, now we circle jerk ourselves."

  “Kyle used to be all about the ladies before; now I come home to twelve-self bukkake."

  “He might just be a total pervert."

  “Oh, he definitely is." he said, sucking at the cock-straw, to discover his drink was already dry.

  “More drinks?" he asked.

  She concurred. It was his round and he went for beers over cocktails, half because he didn't want to order a drink called 'The Judy Garland Rainbow Army Gangbang Surprise Delight', and half because Kyle was sure to put a genital or bodily fluid in a beverage that didn't come in a bottle. He worked his way back through the crowd, and when he saw Elle at their table, he smiled.

  “What are you smiling at?"

  “This is the first time I've been out with a girl since T-Day who hasn't been travelling all the time."

  “Are you talking to me?" asked a voice to his left. He turned to discover he had been addressing her reflection in a mirror.

  “Apparently not." he said.

  “You've been drinking…" she said.

  “Yes!” he responded, triumphantly.

  “Do you always get this drunk on a first date?"

  “Define 'this drunk'." he said, holding his hands out a foot apart, measuring his drunkenness length-ways.

  She lent over and pulled his hands apart until they were as wide as could be.

  “I don't have you people's metabolism." he said in his own defence

  * * * *

  Thanks to their unnaturally high metabolism, travellers never had hangovers, and were never drunk for more than an hour. Using the ability to travel through time was like using any muscle - it required a certain amount of energy to do so. This made economists very happy, seeing as the entire population was travelling to go anywhere or do anything, food sales rocketed. Any leisure time that wasn't engaged in sordid sexual exploits was spent drinking and drinking and drinking without having to worry about regretting it in the morning.

  * * * *

  “You people?” she said, mocking him for his earlier outrage. A big drunken grin etched itself on his face, and refused to depart.

  She looked the smiling drunk up and down, and took his hand. “Let's get you home."

  7

  "Home is smart." said Luke, as Elle lent him up against his front door.

  "Is this right?" she asked.

  "Yeah." he said, looking at his surroundings. "Wait, how'd we get here so fast?"

  "We travelled." she responded, nonchalantly.

  "What? You mean you travelled me?"

  "Well, it was hardly going to be the other way round, was it." she said.

  "What?!"

  "It's not like there are cabs…"

  "But, there's radiation, and --"

  "-- like, a thousand times less than an x-ray."

  "Non-travellers aren't meant to travel! I could get cancer!"

  "Or you could, more likely, not." she said

  "There are forums about it, there were public service announcements…"

  "There were PSAs that claimed marijuana would make you eat your parents…"

  He stared at her like she was insane for joking about the death sentence he imagined she had just set for him.

  "That was scaremongering - this is science." he said, continuing his outburst.

  "Science that five years in, nobody understands… I didn't think you'd freak out so much about it."

  "Well, I don't want you to do it again." he said

  "That can totally be arranged." she spat back.

  The hallway was silent, Luke sobering up almost instantly. He knew he had responded irrationally.

  "I'm sorry." he said.

  "I'm sure you are." she replied, venomously. "I'll see you round."

  Elle was gone, leaving nothing but a pixie dust impression where she had been standing. Luke reached out as it fell, and watched the glittering particles of the woman he had become enamoured with bounce onto his hand, twinkling out of existence.

  "Wait…" he muttered, impotently.

  But it was too late. There was no one to respond.

  "Fuck."

  8

  Lying on his bed in the dark, Luke stared blankly at the ceiling, deconstructing his drunken rant, attempting to work out why he reacted so strongly to being travelled. It's not like he hadn't been travelled before, and although he didn't necessarily approve, at no point had he turned on the traveller like he had to Elle.

  “I'm such an arsehole." he muttered to himself.

  “Yes you are." said a voice from a dark corner of the room. He turned to see Kyle in the shadows.

  “Are you watching me sleep?" he enquired.

  “And touching myself. There's something beautiful and erotic about the way your drool glistens in the moonlight."

  “Go away."

  Kyle obeyed, travelling back across the apartment to his own room. Luke turned back up to the ceiling.

  “Arsehole." he mumbled. The ceiling offered no comfort. He decided that clearing his mind and trying for sleep was his only option. Eyes screwed tight, he took deep breaths and rolled on to his side, trying in vain to blank all thoughts. He sighed and opened his eyes. A face in the darkness opened their eyes at the same time.

  Both screamed, squealed almost, leaping back across opposite ends of the bed and falling to the floor with identical thumps on either side. Luke's heart was pumping fiercely in his chest, beating so hard he could feel it in his throat. He lay on the floor by the bed, terrified for his safety, whether it be a future or past tenant of the apartment who Kyle had somehow angered or (and he knew it was unlikely) a home invader.

  * * * *

  Crime had gone into a slump since T-Day. Locks on doors were obsolete, seeing as anyone could be anywhere at any time. And although T-Day had seemed to cure a lot of crazies, there were still a handful of 'break-ins'.

  Without the breaking, obviously.

  * * * *

  Knowing the facts about how rare home invasions were did not make Luke any less terrified. After a moment, he reasoned lying on the floor wasn't going to do him any favours; it was, after all, hardly a useful defensive position. He couldn't imagine a self defence class anywhere in the world advising to lie flat on one's stomach in order to repel an assailant.

  Slowly, cautiously, he picked himself up on to all fours, took a deep breath, and peeked over the bed. Through the darkness, he saw a shadowy figure peering back at him, the whites of the invaders eyes shining out in the black.

  “Who's that?" he inquired, his words not sounding right when he heard them back.

  “Who are you?" he enquired again into the darkness, once again hearing his words back to himself, as if in stereo. He lifted his head higher, and the man opposite did the same.

  “What are you doing?" they asked one another, in perfect synchronicity. Both men stood to their feet and took a step back, Luke reaching for the light switch, the other for a lamp. Two switches clicked, and in an instant the room was flooded with light from both sources. The two men were blinded temporarily. When their eyes adjusted they stood in silence, looking one-another up and down in identical movements.

  Luke was staring at himself.

  “What…" they said.

  “The…" in perfect harmony.

  "Fuck."

  9

  * * * *

  The there had been rumours of non-travellers suddenly gaining the ability, but the news never followed up beyond the initial story. Although there were a few examples online of it happening, all of those that claimed to have been late bloomers turned out to be fakers in search of short-lived fame and glory.

  How exactly they expected to profit through their deceit was never documented, and of course, they did not.

  * * * *

  The two Lukes continued to stare at one another, each refusing to talk, well aware by now that they would likely find their question repeated back to them as they spoke it. Luke put his finger up in a gesture to communicate 'me first, okay?' His double nodded. Luke and his other self stood in silence as he tried to form a suitable first question for his doppelgänger. Alterna-Luke stared at his double, going through (Luke imagined) identical motions in his mind.

  “So…" Luke finally said “you're…"

  “You." said the double. “And you're…"

  “Me." said Luke. “And this is possible how..?"

  His duplicate said nothing.

  “Well..?" asked Luke.

  “Give me a second…"

  “Aren't you from the future? Shouldn't you know how you travelled?"

  “Just let me have a moment to think."

  The silence was deafening.

  “Okay." he finally said “I think I fucked up.."

  “Right. Well. That's close to an explanation. I think everything is going to be okay." Luke said, sarcastically.

  The other Luke was not impressed, still wrapping his head around his time travel experience.

  “When am I?"

  “When? I don't know…" he looked around for something that displayed the date. The double turned to the clock on Luke's bedside table.

  “Ok...First date tonight, right?"

 
“Only date, judging by how well I fucked it up."

  “Don't worry about it."

  “I'm not any more – now I'm worrying about this." said Luke.

  “I think I have it figured out."

  “Good. I'm glad for you. Care to share?"

  "Right, okay, well… First of all, we – you get another shot with Elle."

  “Really? She seemed pissed…"

  “We'll get to that. So, we date for about a month, take it real slow, she had some issues with the previous guy and we don't want to rush into anything."

  “Okay… but can you stop pluralising us?" asked Luke.

  “Sure. Then we – she and I – slept together.”

  “And travelled through time?"

  “What, no!"

  “I heard about a non-traveller having unprotected sex--"

  "-- We didn't! --"

  "-- and travelling"

  “Well, that's not the case so shut your mouth."

  Luke was taken aback that he would talk to himself like that.

  “Can I continue?" asked his future self.

  “Sure."

  “Good. So, everything was super cool, then one day she turned around and asked if we – I -- was into watersports…"he paused, looking away from his former self. "I said I'd never tried it, but was up for it."

  “Why did you lie?"

  Future-Luke looked back up to his predecessor. “I didn't want to scare her."

  “Our first date involved conversations about Kyle's bukkake and her self-love sessions, I don't think she'd mind if you said you were into something she suggested anyway…"

  “I don't know why I said it, I just did. Anyway, we did it--"

  “--On my bed?"

  “On my bed." Future-Luke corrected.

  “Did you at least put a plastic sheet down or something?"

  “A towel."

  “Oh, that barely counts!"

  “It was all I had."

  “Do it in the bathroom next time."

  “You're missing the point, there is no 'next time'… She pissed on me, we had sex and went to sleep. Next thing I know, I'm here."

  “Because of the piss?"

  “No clue..."

  “Because I've had piss on me before."

  “I know..."

  “Didn't travel through time…"

  “I'm aware."

  “As recently as last week."

  “I'm sure…"

  “Maybe it was less diluted this time?"

  “Couldn't say…"

  “Wait." said Luke finally paying attention to his other self. “Is that why you're naked?"

  “Have you just noticed?” responded his future self.

  Luke had only just realised. The invasion into his space and the revelations Future-Luke had laid on him had overshadowed the perception of his new doubles' lack of clothing.

  “So…" he said, checking out his naked self. “There's not much we can do about this right now, is there…”

  He and his duplicate had the same thoughts running through their minds, and the same erection starting to grow. They both reached over to the light source closest to them, flicked the switched off, and made their way to the bed. When their skin made contact, they both felt a static shock run across them. They were feeling their own bodies in a way neither ever had before.

  After two hours of exploring and pleasuring one another, they came together in a sixty nine, as if Kyle's ceaseless banter about his self-sexual exploits had sunk into the recesses of their subconscious. Silently, internally, they both agreed that they gave the best blow jobs ever. They swallowed every drop, and hugged just the right amount after orgasm.

  10

  Both Lukes agreed that it was best to sneak out of the apartment without Kyle spotting them. Having to explain the situation to himself had been hard enough, it would have been even more challenging to explain it to Kyle in-between taunts and jeers regarding the more sordid elements of the story. Future-Luke guided them to an alley that Luke had passed hundreds of times, but never noticed before, let alone thought about wandering down.

  “Shouldn't you be wearing disguise?" Luke asked his double, aware that the two of them were walking in plain sight.

  “Where have you been for the last five years?" his duplicate shot back, indicating to a number of doubles, triples and more walking around together.

  His future self opened the door and they entered an old record store, they walk past glass cases of vinyl, the sleeves all alien to Luke; artists he had never heard of before, bright intricate psychedelic paintings in luminescent greens, yellows, reds, and blues. A cornucopia of visual delight; animals, faces, hieroglyphs, flowers, all together in collages that shouldn't have worked, but did, surrounded by forced perspectives that appeared three-dimensional, in an Escher sort-of way.

  “Here we are." said the double, who had left Luke far behind, navigating the rows of records alone, his former self distracted at the shiny squares.

  Luke caught up with himself, who was flipping through the LPs and pulled one out, displaying it to his past self. The band was called 'Ringo's High'. Just like all of the other records, it was a band Luke had never heard of, but unlike the majority of the other record covers, this had a photo of a man sitting in an old living room whilst an almost impossibly slim blonde girl stood in the background of the image. On closer inspection, it wasn't a girl at all.

  “Is that a guy in drag?" Luke inquired.

  “It is. Don't be a prude. Especially not after last night!"

  “I'm not. I was just asking…"

  “Well, let's move on."

  “Wait, how will this make everything okay?"

  “It's one of her favourite bands."

  “Right, and won't it be weird that I know that?"

  “Just go for it. How badly can possibly go?"

  'How badly indeed...', thought Luke.

  11

  Luke's future self had given him directions to Elle's apartment, and despite his protests that knowing where she lived and what music she liked would come off as creepy, he found himself at the intercom for her building. It was dusty, and rightly so, he mused; when was the last time anyone stood outside and used a building's intercom, when they could just jump straight to the person's door. He stared up at the apartment block. It looked like a new-build, which almost certainly meant no stairs. The only way he was going to see her face-to-face would be if she came down. He shifted the record between hands, worried that his increasingly sweaty palms would leave marks on the sleeve. Luke reached up to the buzzer for her place, finger hovering over it, then pressed. It screamed a tiny mechanical squeal, followed moments later by the click of Elle picking up the receiver.

  “Do you think you can just buy me back after being such an arsehole?"

  “Not straight away… Are… I just got… Reparations? You know, for being an arsehole… I guess you'd call them arseholeperations."

  “Arse-hole-operations?"

  “Sure, we can call it that, if you stop hating me…" The intercom went dead with a click before Luke had finished his sentence.

  He pulled his eyes from the metal grid of the speaker to the floors high above him, unsure whether she was on the way down, or about to throw a pot of boiling oil over him. He took a deep breath, and thought about his future self and the relationship he had described having with Elle. Despite a heavy feeling of loss forming at the back of his mind, he forced a smile to his face, trying to convince himself that from somewhere overhead, maybe from an open window, he could hear Elle's familiar chuckle, even if in reality it was just the sound of a squeaking air-conditioning unit, or a pair of pigeons mating. Moments later, there was a flash behind him, and he turned to see glitter trailing through blonde hair.

  “Whatchagotme?" she asked, arms out, awaiting a gift.

  He handed it to her.

  “What the fuck is this?" she spat, outraged.

  His jaw dropped, a pit forming in his stomach. Had his double screwed him? Was she insane after all? She saw his expression and couldn't keep up pretence any further, bursting into laughter. This was, at least in part, her revenge.

  After the laughter subsided, and Luke had been given a chance to wipe the sweat from hands, she gratefully accepted the present. It seemed to him that she wasn't even curious as to how he knew her musical tastes, or where she lived. He rationalized that once you've dated a traveller, you wouldn't question if someone had knowledge of things they shouldn't necessarily have within the linear passage of time.